ass clarinet


ass clarinet, originally uploaded by kellypuffs.

Words I never thought I’d see in this blog.

Today’s been a hell of a day.

It all started with Himself shaking me awake at 6am, telling me that the girl’s alarm had failed and she was still asleep.

Rule #4 of the Kellypuffs Morning Readiness Logistical Exercise says that if the Girl misses her window of shower opportunity before 6am, then the next person in line (me) gets to jump the line and proceed. As so-definitely-NOT-a-morning-person, I’m not particularly fond of this rule, but a rule is a rule.

But it’s a change of routine, and I’m just as ritualistic as the next girl, so I’m disturbed.

Then we discover that the Girl’s car won’t start. What the hell? it was only a squillion degrees below zero last night. But it’s a diesel and they’ve sensitive about these kinds of things. So she now has to arrange alternate transportion to school. In spite of having half-a-dozen intensely loyal members of the girl posse, she doesn’t want to have to ask them for a ride. Oh well. I head off to work, confident she’ll figure something out, left to her own devices.

At work, my loudly trumpeted and long-planned test scenario execution pooped all over itself first thing this morning.

Now, if this post followed any normal conventions, what follows would be a “digression”: , an open appeal to my recuperating boss: Seriously, Russ … enough is enough. You have to come back to work now. The employees are running with scissors and not sharing. Besides, I really need to get at that candy jar behind your locked office door.

But the day gets better…

I talked to a good friend.

I got a lot of little things done and checked off the list.

Got home and discovered that the Girl had another half-day Wednesday today, so she came home, tidied the house, hosted some event for her peers, and was in the process of cooking a couple of cubic tons of fried rice for International Night at school tomorrow.

Band tonight … lots of fun music, including Candide, Amparito Roca, Sine Nomine, and Jurassic Park. Everyone sounded great, including our mile-long trumpet section. And there was some talk at the pub afterwards of renaming the band to “The Nashoba Valley Tenor Sax Concert Band”. Speaking of J.P.’s – there were 16 of us at the table tonight… some of us can remember when the Harvard Town Band didn’t have that many members.

And really, could any day be counted a complete loss if it included the words “ass clarinet”?!?

9 thoughts on “ass clarinet

  1. Geez! – One day later and much worse morning routine interruptus! Somehow the responsibility fell on ME (the only one who DOESN’T need to get up!) to wake up the girl in case her alarm didn’t go off. Of course partying until past midnight combined with this didn’t help much… At 5:45 it was announced by the girl that it was SIX forty five and we were all soundly punished with grumpiness in spades and slapping of the steps with 110 pounds of feet that NEVER made so much noise, as they ran up and down in a hair-on-fire frenzy… I just stayed out of the fray until all went away… on a lighter note the diesel started, it being ten degrees warmer today! (WHOO-HOO!) Now I’m going to work on understanding why MY 235 lbs. is silent as a feather no matter WHAT I do and 110 lbs of girl sounds like Buicks falling from skyscrapers!

  2. This is the best bit of reading I know of. I look forward to Kellypuffs. Are the typos in this piece (ass clarinet)genuine accidentals or deliberate? Either way they convey an unmistakable impression of things going awry – and when Himself comes up with a simile “sounds like Buicks falling from skyscrapers”, well that’s the icing on the cake. Keep ’em coming Ken. PR

  3. Peter, check out the picture more closely. You’ll notice this piece is for “ass clarinet”. Which was the cause of some of the hilarity last night at practice. 🙂

  4. The term conjures up some unimaginably hilarious mental pictures. I was weeping lastnight trying to reckon what register such an instrument would be… I think there may be, like other types of clarinets, a full range from a squeaky soprano all the way to a “CLEAN UP IN AISLE FOUR” double contra bass!

  5. Kelly, rest assured that I didn’t miss the instrument description. I was referring to other typos in the blog piece. I never saw the original “Jurassic” score, but your picture leapt out of the page. Like Ken I indulged in a few moments of ribald speculation. As a reed player, my thoughts veered towards the extreme difficulty in developing a workable embouchure, and having accomplished that, the requirement that the player must be extraordinarily agile. Not an easy instrument to master. Peter R.

  6. I can hardly hold my breath long enough to get on my shoes, let alone the difficulty breathing in THAT position – someone extraordinary indeed!

  7. I’ve been required to take many instrumental cl-ASS-es
    in my college days – but I don’t remember that particular
    instrument – I would love to see what it looks like. JB

  8. I do not sound like a Buick falling from a skyscraper. Thats insulting. I find myself sounding more like a Dodge Magnum falling from a skycraper. That way I can still do it and look badass.

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