Jaywalker over at Belgian Waffle started it. A meme regarding the fashion police’s decree of THE 50 items no woman of style can do without. So without further ado, here are my thoughts on a few of “the Big 50”.
GOLD HOOP EARRINGS For days when you wanna look J.Lo glam. These shouldn’t be so big as to look like you haven’t got over the gypsy trend, nor so small as to make you look like a three-year-old on a council estate.
Gold? No. Silver? Check.
A BERET For bad-hair days. It will take you straight to Kim Basinger in Batman. Just don’t obsess about the angle: they should be worn with nonchalance.
A beret? Bien sur que OUI.
A VINTAGE OSSIE CLARK DRESS Separates the women from the girls. Fabulously flattering at any age, from 18 to 80.
Does a steampunk outfit from eBay count?
EXPENSIVE BLACK LACE LINGERIE At least one set. For obvious reasons.
A PAIR OF THERMAL SHORTS For when you want to wear a skirt without tights, but it’s a bit parky outside.
No, JEANS are for wearing under skirts.
SILK STOCKINGS A rite of passage for every woman — and, subsequently, for her man. In slightly unusual shades — such as petrol or burgundy — they make an outfit. And in this country they can be worn for three-quarters of the year.
I can’t even wear L’eggs pantyhose without causing them to instantly run in at least 3 different places. Silk stockings would probably spontaneously combust within 10 seconds of being in the same room with me. It’s tights for me, which here in the colonies means the opaque, heavy, winter leg coverings.
A GOOD WALLET Because if a bag matters, so does your purse — and people see it all the time. Jimmy Choo’s, we feel, are particularly well thought-out.
So are mine. My current wallet is a fashionable clear packing tape model, made by yours truly, being held together with a rubber band.
A PAIR OF FALSIES (eyelashes, that is). Instant divadom.
I’m glad they added the parenthetical, because I wasn’t thinking eyelashes. I have my eye on a great pair of butt pads, guaranteed to give me a round, shapely behind where before there was none.
A PAIR OF MAD SUNGLASSES They should be too mad to go on a date in, but just mad enough to feel liberated.
Definitely. I like mad sunglasses, preferably of the Audrey Hepburn Breakfast at Tiffany style, but I can’t keep a pair of sunglasses longer than a week before I’ve lost them for all eternity. So instead of gazing coolly and elegantly from behind a pair of movie star shades, I’m the one with the perpetual squint.
A SHORT, BLACK BOB WIG Check out of you-ness and be Louise Brooks for the day.
A STRING OF REAL PEARLS OR REAL PEARL EARRINGS Great for the complexion, as they diffuse light across your face.
Sadly, I think the only woman left alive who can wear pearls is Tea Leoni.
SOMETHING DELICATE AND ANCIENT It must be kept in acid-free tissue paper — anything made of Victorian lace, for example.
DEREK ROSE FLANNEL PYJAMAS For spending Sundays and sickies in.
Make that “for spending every day in”. And I don’t know who Derek Rose is, but if his PJs are footies, I am SO there.
BOLD STATEMENT HEELS Six inches? Toe cleavage? Huge platform? Orange PVC? Perfect. Shoes that get people talking. And never stop.
I got two words for you: Sparkly Shoes! They aren’t heels tho. Maybe they don’t count.
HAIRSPRAY (ELNETT) AND KIRBY GRIPS For dramatic evening up-dos.
Make that no hairspray and the same hair clip I’ve been using to pile my hair haphazardly on top of my head for the entire day. For my dramatic evening look, I’ll redo it hurriedly in the ladies’ room and pull out my Hannah Montana Secret Pop Star Hair Color Stick in Pop Star Purple.
BOAT NECKS If you have a strong collarbone, show off this alternative erogenous zone.
DECENT WELLINGTON BOOTS Le Chameau, Argyll and Hunter all pass muster. Never be caught in a shiny novelty pair — you will be outed as a novice in an instant.
Two more words: Ladybug boots!
CASHMERE SOCKS It’s not a style thing, it’s a love thing: a love-yourself thing.
Life’s too short for matching socks, but cashmere socks ARE a wonderful luxury.
So. What about YOU?