in which I quietly despair

I’ve just come back from a little trip into my future, and I want my mommy.

While browsing the online version of our local town newspaper (does anyone read a REAL newspaper anymore? Besides the Colonel?) and was distracted by a little feature in the lower right-hand corner:

Hmmm. Living 50+. That’s ME! 😀

So I click on it (you can, too, if you feel you must, but I PERSONALLY wouldn’t advise it), and am taken to a glossy online magazine full of interesting and exciting articles and ads targeted specifically for me. Let’s see what wonderfulness awaits, shall we?

Uh oh. This doesn’t look good. The cover page announces that this is full of “ideas and advice for active adults”. Well, poop. Does this mean I have to start EXERCISING?!?!? I didn’t have to be active before, why should I have to now? Why?

They suggest dancing.

Other ads include one for Lowell General Hospital’s da Vinci Prostate Operation Thingamabob, featuring a photogenic 50+ couple cavorting on the beach. No, they are NOT in bikinis and Speedos. “Don’t let prostate surgery keep you from living life to the fullest”.

Apparently, all my lovely hair will eventually stop turning grey and start falling out, but I don’t need to worry. Here’s an ad for wigs.

Oh, for all that’s holy, a HEARING AID AD? Just because I like to have the closed captions on when I watch TV? Come on, EVERYBODY does that!

Oooh goodie, here are instructions for a “natural facelift”.

Ow, my neck hurts. Fortunately, here are some tips to deal with it, ranging from massage to chiropractors to acupuncture.

And, ah, yes, the orthopedic shoe ad.

***

I haven’t felt this depressed since my AARP card arrived.

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2 thoughts on “in which I quietly despair

  1. I don’t mind the dancing ad at all but the rest of it makes me feel crappy too. You know what they say though…. The worst thing about having a colostomy bag is getting shoes to match.
    At least we’re not there yet.

  2. Not sure who this beer is marketed to, but with descriptions like:

    “calming flavors of chamomile and honey … ” and “… flight between clouds …”

    it certainly sounds as if its the over 50 crowd.

    This is a special, limited-release, winter beer from Magic Hat.

    http://www.magichat.net/oddnotion/

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