Dear AARP…

I realize it’s a very exciting time for you right now … all those gazillions of baby boomers moving into their golden years. I see you’ve even got “baby boomers” in your tag line now:

AARP: Health, Travel, Baby Boomers, blah, blah, blah

The “As Seen on TV” folks are having a ball too. Does the entire world now require fiber to stay regular, life insurance that we CANNOT BE TURNED DOWN for, and/or a hearing aid disguised as a bluetooth earpiece? Noooo, just that gigantic portion of the population now greying, and I hear you cackling with glee.

But honestly. Do you need to send me junk mail/promotional literature every. single. week? Just how many shiny plastic personalized promotional AARP cards do you think I need?

Really. I’m just not ready yet. I need a little more time.

I’d like to pretend for just a little while longer that I am still hip and happenin’. I’m not really dying for those senior discounts at MacDonald’s – I’d rather I got carded. I’m still blaming my poor memory on flightiness, rather than Alzheimers.

I’m not interested in group life insurance, retiring, moving to Florida, or learning to play canasta, not that there’s anything wrong with that. I’m much too busy washing the cats. Next week, it’s very likely that I’ll still be uninterested. And the week after isn’t looking much better.

So your constant invitations, reminding me of my advanced age, are serving no purpose other than killing trees, and amusing the postwoman. And now that the Boy’s moved out, he’s not even around to give me a hard time about them when they arrive.

So save the trees, and take me off the list. Come back in 10 years or so. We’ll talk then.

And keep those kids out of my yard!

Yours, etc,



4 thoughts on “Dear AARP…

  1. Dear Miss Cranky pants. This is one of your most hilarious posts ever. I feel exactly the same and I don’t think I’m EVER going to be ready for SAGA (UK version of old persons mag).

  2. The best part is taking the return envelope (postage paid of course) and attaching it to successively heavier/larger objects until they get the hint. Bricks are popular!

  3. Ms. Drahzal:

    As a proud printing industry craftsman, I am concerned about your stance regarding the receipt of valuable information through the mail. Millions of jobs are created each year by agencies concerned with your well being who send mail to you. Groups like the AARP, Yellow Book and every left leaning celebrity on John Kerry’s list do their part by ordering printing from suppliers in Texas, Florida and China. This helps keep otherwise unemployable people busy printing, sorting and packaging the vital mail pieces you seemingly are unwilling to read. Also, our important gasoline and diesel fuels industry is strengthened by the consumption of their products that is required to deliver this essential service. Remember: it is April 1, 2009, and yes I have read “my blog, my rules” so here is an actual helpful link all about ending junk mail: . Happy April fuels day!

  4. Himself, also being in the printing industry, is wont to admire various pieces of junk mail as they come in:

    “Oooh, nice printing! Check it out.”

    I make sure I wander over and nod dutifully as he points out the finer points of a particular bit of paper, before it’s relegated to the recycle bin.

    For more printing-related fun, check out the Guardian’s April Fool’s joke here:


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s