In case you haven’t noticed, I haven’t been around lately. And I’ve only just now come to a basic understanding of myself that I have heretofore been oblivious to, and which I now feel obligated to share with you. Feel free to click away now.
When hurt, grieved, anxious, whatever, …. I start curling up. And it’s not like I’m the life of the party at the best of times.
If I curl up in a small enough ball, and stay very very still and quiet for long enough, this too will pass.
What is “this”?
“This” is that tiny, hard, tight little knot of pain/panic deep in my solar plexus.
I take deep breaths.
Sometimes, it helps.
Sometimes, it doesn’t.
Rote chores of my favorite kind (puttering) and housecleaning are useful activities – physical exertion to busy the body to match the mental and emotional gymnastics meet going on in my head.
In the past days/weeks since my brother’s death, I have washed and polished every floor in the house. I have painted several rooms … some more than once.
What I have trouble doing, even now:
– concentrated, prolonged thought
– complex tasks
– talking to people
I’m starting to poke my nose out now. Sniffing the air. I feel brave enough to take a few tentative steps back into (online) society.
Although I’ve not been able yet to truly articulate it, I really REALLY appreciate the support, love, and care from you all.
I truly am blessed with the greatest family, friends, and life, and I’m looking forward to sharing more drivel with you here soon.
Introspective Realization #2: Running Away