I am hedgehog, hear me roar

Hedgehog, originally uploaded by Kr. B..

In case you haven’t noticed, I haven’t been around lately. And I’ve only just now come to a basic understanding of myself that I have heretofore been oblivious to, and which I now feel obligated to share with you. Feel free to click away now.

When hurt, grieved, anxious, whatever, …. I start curling up. And it’s not like I’m the life of the party at the best of times.

If I curl up in a small enough ball, and stay very very still and quiet for long enough, this too will pass.

What is “this”?

“This” is that tiny, hard, tight little knot of pain/panic deep in my solar plexus.

I take deep breaths.
Sometimes, it helps.
Sometimes, it doesn’t.

Rote chores of my favorite kind (puttering) and housecleaning are useful activities – physical exertion to busy the body to match the mental and emotional gymnastics meet going on in my head.

In the past days/weeks since my brother’s death, I have washed and polished every floor in the house. I have painted several rooms … some more than once.

What I have trouble doing, even now:

– concentrated, prolonged thought
– complex tasks
– talking to people

I’m starting to poke my nose out now. Sniffing the air. I feel brave enough to take a few tentative steps back into (online) society.

Although I’ve not been able yet to truly articulate it, I really REALLY appreciate the support, love, and care from you all.

I truly am blessed with the greatest family, friends, and life, and I’m looking forward to sharing more drivel with you here soon.

Next installment:

Introspective Realization #2: Running Away

9 thoughts on “I am hedgehog, hear me roar

  1. I shut down and stop talking. I hid away and stew over whatever has been said to me to upset me etc. This isn’t always a good thing as I get bogged down in and don’t always move on.

  2. We grieve together, but eventually we heal, and he would want us to heal.If you believe anything, believe that he’s now with his mother, who he loved so much. I love yo7u.

  3. There’s no eloquence adequate to assuage your personal grief, but we’re all here to support you. This too will pass, which is easy for me to say, but it seems to work. Be well.

  4. I’m so sorry for your loss, Kelly. I felt the same way after my father died…it took a while just to get over the shock, then I felt the hurt (and anger). Eventually it lessens with time, but I guess it never fully goes away. Life goes on and we have no choice but to go on with it. We’re here for you!

  5. Oh Kelly, I am so sorry for your loss…

    I’ve been so tightly curled up in my own little ball of pain that I haven’t even looked around to see how anybody else is doing… A gazillion hugs your way. Much love

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s